he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
