Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm having to shit out rocks
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