I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
