how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
