I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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