2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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