did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
