Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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