I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
