I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think I have vodka in my lungs
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
