I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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