May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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