my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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