what day is it and did you see me today?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
