Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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