The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
