Will you blow on my dice?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
