he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
