2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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