I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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