I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
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A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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