Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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