pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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