I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sorry about my life...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
