Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
