I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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