i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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