i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
