I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
