Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
