I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
