I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I lost the right to judge tonight
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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