VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
