Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
