She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
