I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
