My sheets look like a crime scene.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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