Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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