God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
