is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
