dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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