Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
