Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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