yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
