I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
