god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have feelings that need drinking.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
