She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
