A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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