someone threw a dead crab at me
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
