I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
