Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
