I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
