Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
