...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
