Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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