Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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