i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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