I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
