So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
