So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
